


On Occlumency

by KittySmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Git Gud, Humor, Parody, my usual brand of ridiculous, ridiculous!Albus, ridiculous!Voldemort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 06:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18089258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittySmith/pseuds/KittySmith
Summary: Albus Father'sname Randomname Brian Dumbledore had a very specific reason to assign Severus Snape the care and teaching of one Harry James Potter.





	On Occlumency

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Professor… If I can see into Voldemort’s mind… Doesn’t that mean he can see into mine? Could he be spying on me just… all the time?”

“Oh, Harry.” Dumbledore leaned across the desk and patted his shoulder once in a move which may have been more comforting if the professor hadn’t been smirking as he did it. “Don’t worry. I’m sure a vaunted Dark Lord like Tom has much more pressing affairs.” 

In a darkened room of the Riddle Manor, a cannibalized pensieve and a projector sat, covered in strange, blood soaked runes. Lounging beside it, Voldemort threw popcorn at the image of Dumbledore as it continued to speak.

“Yes, he must have much better things to do than watch an average teenager’s day to day life in a sad, desperate attempt to glean information on a prophecy of which, to this day, he knows only  _half_.” Twinkles of kindly assurance shot themselves from Dumbledore’s eyes like small, brief lasers, forcing Harry to abandon the comfy chair the headmaster had conjured for him. When he’d finished dodging the cheerful light show, he pushed the charred, smoking remains of the chair to the side and sat cross-legged on the floor.

Honestly, he’d stopped questioning the wizarding world when they gave Hermione a time machine to go to a plainly inhumane number of classes in third year.

“That was weirdly specific and kind of hurtful, but I guess you have a point,” he conceded.

“On the other hand, I’m just a doddering, harmless old man, and I’m sure we can come up with something to address your concerns in a more tangible manner…” Papers shuffled themselves at a flick of Dumbledore’s wand and he made a show of humming pensively over each page before he finally selected one and handed it to Harry. “Here we are, my boy. I believe this is the answer to your worry.”

The parchment was a weathered yellow and titled  _Occlumency_ in fanciful, swirling script.

Beneath were two words.

_Git gud._

For a long moment, the air was dominated with the gentle whir, tick, and drip of Dumbledore’s hoarded animatronics collection.

“Professor… I’m not sure I understand.”

Rolling his eyes, Dumbledore summoned the page from Harry’s hands to his own, muttering, “Honestly, children never even pause to read the author byline anymore.” He tapped the parchment with his wand and held it up for inspection once more.

_Written by Severus Snape_ had appeared below the title.

“Oh, couldn’t you teach-”

“Well, that’s that,” Dumbledore cut in hastily, sweeping around his desk to usher Harry to his feet. “Lessons with Snape, the man who hated your father and loved your mother-”

“-What-”

“-and in whom I have the utmost trust.”

Harry gripped the threshold with both hands before Dumbledore could expel him from his office, “He and my mum? And please, professor, can’t you-”

A swift application of magical force and Harry stumbled onto the first step of the long spiral staircase, the door to the headmaster’s office shut in his face. That was one way to say no.

On the other side of the door, Dumbledore pulled out a sheet of paper with the words  _Teacher’s Bingo_ inscribed at the top. With a flourish, he marked off the square containing  _pair mortal enemies in an important project_  and chortled to himself.

“Bingo.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes this is also on my tumblr. We agree!


End file.
